When I had my eating disorder, going on 12 years ago now, I was told that I was a very strong person. I was strong for admitting I had a problem, for getting treatment and for sticking it out even during the most difficult of times. I wouldn't exactly call myself a success story though as even though I am no longer anorexic, there is still a disordered eating in me that makes me fat. However at least I don't starve myself to death.
During my recovery I was very positive. I remember surrounding myself with only positive things. I would cut out quotes from famous people that inspired me and taught me how to take things day by day. I used to read books about my disease or even just about struggles and relate only the positive to my life. I was very focused in my recovery and very determined.
Lately though it seems that whenever I try to get to that positive place again I cannot. I don't believe it is my depression holding me back, though I won't discount that either. I just cannot focus back. I have tried-no doubt. Not just in this situation but in others as well. I feel like I have lost that part of myself. As if I have become jaded enough in my "old" age to not know how to be the positive, strong person I once was.
The thing is, now is when I need it most of all. Not for myself but for Danny.
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3 comments:
Keep looking for it. I didn't think I would ever find it again, but it found me instead. Not to be too "pollyanna" but I have confidence that you will find your strength for this fight. You ARE a strong person.
I was cleaning up my email & came across this Danny story that made me smile:
Hi Mom
A story for you: All four of us were laying in the "big bed" last night, and Alison brought in a book for us to read before bedtime. I started reading, and Daniel just started laughing. I stopped reading, and Daniel stopped laughing. I started again, and Daniel started laughing again. Not just giggling, but real belly laughing. Of course, his laughing got the rest of us laughing. I don't know why my reading aloud struck him as so hysterical, but it did. After a while, I had to take Alison to read in her own bed because Daniel was just being too goofy.
It will come. You are battered now and your head is busy processing all kinds of "new". When it's less overwhelmed, the strength will come back. If you were strong before, you'll be so again. Hugs to you all.
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