Running up that hill

I lost it last night.

I didn't get angry or throw things. I didn't scream at anyone, but I silently cried in my husbands arms. It was as we were laying in bed listening to Daniel cry and scream. He has had difficulty sleeping lately and we started melatonin. Jason said something that set me off and I went down that road.

The road where I weep for what could have been. I look to who Daniel would be, had he been born normal. I wonder if Jason and I had never gotten married then Daniel wouldn't have been born.

I love Daniel. I love him so very much and would never want to live without him, but sometimes you see your future with your child with special needs and you see no movement in the future. You see no difference and that crushes your soul.

You overcome and you see what a great kid you do have, but it happens. I can't deny that I have these feelings. I can't believe that others do not from time to time have the same feelings. I think it is only natural. It is difficult to see into a future that is not filled with traditional milestones for both of my kids. You don't plan on being a parent of a special needs child. It is not a choice you make and you don't even get to prepare for it. I wouldn't ask for a different Daniel, though at times it just seems I am running up that hill...

"And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems."--Placebo