Lost

I have tried to explain this to Jason without much success and maybe it is something that can never be explained, I don't know.

I have struggled with dealing and thinking of Daniel's condition since before we even knew it had any sort of a name.

I love my son. I love him and his sister more than anything. My life is complete with my family and Daniel is a wonderful little boy. The best, I wouldn't trade him for anything ever!

But there is a feeling I have, a certain sense of loss. It is almost like a person died but someone I never even met. I don't know if this is normal, but it is how I feel. Because of this I am lost.

After learning of his "first" diagnosis, I felt like I was drifting through life temporarily. Like any life-changing event I felt surreal as though I was an observer and not a participator. I don't feel that way anymore, but I still don't feel normal. It is almost like I left that life before and it is never the same. It is not better or worse, just not the same. I am still angry, still sad and still left with many many questions.

Jason and I are different when it comes to this particular point. I need answers. I see things in black and white and always have. He, on the other hand, is able to look beyond and deal with what is and not with abstract of what could be. We compliment each other this way but is one right and the other wrong? How do I move on?